


Bad Gem

by Corshi



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Addiction, Blood, Crying, Depression, Despair, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fighting, Graphic Description, Hatred, Hiding, Loss, Mention of Character Death, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Razors, Regret, Sad, Scars, Self Harm, Serious Injuries, Shock, Slapping, Soft Kisses, Stitches, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Urges, insecure, lots of sad things, lying, self hate, shaming, very sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-05-16 11:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5826850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corshi/pseuds/Corshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amethyst cannot handle her own self. (Takes place after episode 40 of season one, 'On the Run'. Other episodes will be referenced and included later on.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling Back

Amethyst laid back on her bed, which was really just a pile of random blankets and clothing. She stared up at the ceiling, combating an urge that felt all too familiar. Ever since she had shown Steven the Kindergarten, Amethyst had been battling an urge that she hadn’t had to deal with for several decades. But now that it had returned, it felt so plain. Like it had never gone away.

                Slowly she bit her lip hard, tormented by the harsh voice that repeated over and over inside of her head. It was nothing less than torture. Nothing less than an addiction that was resurfacing.

                **_Cut. Cut. Cut._**

                Quickly Amethyst sat up, trying her best to breathe slowly. To take back control. She ran her hands through her messy ivory hair, trying to get ahold of herself.

                **_They don’t have to know. Just cut._**

She gripped her hair and pulled on it roughly, growling in frustration. Even after Pearl had apologized, guilt had eaten away at her. She hadn’t thought that she was upset about it?! That the reason she was made, the only reason she even existed, was to help destroy the very planet that she had been created on?!

                **_You know you’re bad. You deserve this._**

Soft, silent tears slowly trickled down Amethyst’s cheeks. She did deserve this. She was nothing more than a bad gem. And her only purpose was to ruin this planet. Rose had been the one to always reassure her. She wasn’t bad unless she chose to be. But Amethyst knew better.

                She had no purpose other than to destroy the Earth.

                Quickly Amethyst summoned her weapon, pulling out her whip and picking up one of the gem tips. Without a moment’s hesitation, she pulled up the right side of her shirt and tucked it under her armpit. Swiftly she pressed the razor-sharp tip of the gem to her hip and dragged.

                Pain sparked through her as Amethyst’s skin was parted. Instantly the voices screaming in her head silenced. Slowly she breathed in and out, staring at the wound she had made.

                It was deeper than she expected, violet-red blood spilling out and soaking into her pants. Amethyst laid back on her bed and sighed shakily. She hated it, but it felt so good.

                But a voice that was all too familiar shattered Amethyst’s delicate relief.

                “Amethyst! We have to go! We have an urgent mission to attend to!”

                It was Pearl. Of all the gems and humans on the entire Earth, it had to be Pearl.

                Amethyst swore violently and sat up, wincing at the searing pain that pulsed on her hip. Quickly she grabbed a random bit of clothing and pressed it to the weeping gash. She would have to properly bandage it later. Swiftly Amethyst dismissed her weapon, one hand keeping the cloth against her leaking wound. This was so incredibly stupid.

                But Amethyst didn’t regret what she did. She knew with every fiber of her being that she had deserved it. At least, that is how she felt. She hated herself more than anything in existence.

                Once the bleeding had finally stopped, Amethyst covered the fresh cut with her shirt, hoping that the black fabric would hide any blood that might seep through. Quickly she left her room from the temple, walking out into Steven’s room and onto the teleport pad. She forced a smile, and was met with an annoyed and impatient Pearl.

                “Where have you been?! We almost left without you!” Pearl exclaimed, putting her hands on her slender hips. Garnet stood behind her, her arms crossed and waiting for Amethyst to answer.

                Amethyst tried to lighten up the mood with a small laugh. “You know me, Pearl. So why even bother to ask?”

                A heavy sigh pushed its way out of Pearl’s lips. “We don’t have time for this. Let’s just go. Come on, Steven. And be careful.”

                Steven came down the stairs from his bedroom, smiling brightly and carrying his cheeseburger backpack. He was always so excited whenever he was allowed to come on missions. It always brought a smile to Amethyst’s face. Steven’s smile was almost like Rose’s sometimes.

                It was hard to smile, but there was no way that Amethyst could break in front of them, let alone Steven. Seeing her cry once was enough.

                So she kept smiling despite her pain. Amethyst loved Steven, and didn’t want him or anyone else to get hurt because of her. It was bad enough that she had relapsed after so long. She could only imagine what Rose would do if she were here. If she was, she’d be able to see right past her fake smile.

                But she wasn’t here. And she was never coming back. Amethyst took a deep breath as she felt another wave of emotion tingle through her body. Things really had taken a turn for the worst.

                With a burst of light, the teleport pad hummed to life, taking them off. Amethyst remained quiet, distracted from the throbbing pain in her side. And the only person to take notice of her strange behavior was none other than Garnet.

                “Amethyst. You’re quiet today. Is everything alright?”

                Amethyst jumped when Garnet said her name. It was almost like she was demanding an answer, not asking a question. Her heart seemed to leap into her throat.

                “Who, me? Of couuurse G! Never been better!” Amethyst laughed uneasily, giving Garnet a weak smile.

                Garnet’s expression remained stern, and she gently rested a hand on Amethyst’s shoulder. Quickly Amethyst tensed, just as she always did whenever she was touched after…well, after punishing herself. New tears welled in Amethyst’s eyes. She could never hide anything from Garnet.

                “Garnet. I-I’m sorry.”

                Without a word, Garnet pulled Amethyst into a gentle hug, and Amethyst couldn’t hold back. She cried into Garnet’s shoulder, shaking as she did so. She was so embarrassed. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this.

                “Amethyst? Why are you crying? What happened?” Steven asked, his voice thick with concern.

                “Pearl. We need to go home. Amethyst isn’t feeling well.” Garnet spoke firmly, gently rubbing Amethyst’s back.

                Pearl opened her mouth to protest, but was quickly silenced by a stern look from Garnet. She knew that it must be really serious if they were willing to put a mission on hold.

                She had no idea just how serious it was.


	2. Leaving Forever

Amethyst could not stop crying. All of the pain was coming back. The pain of being a mistake, of all the years alone, of the very moment that they had lost Rose. It was like a tidal wave of emotions that she had no power to stop. No matter how hard she tried to calm down, it was completely hopeless.

            Slowly Garnet stroked Amethyst’s hair, doing her best to try and comfort her. It had been so long since Garnet had done this, and it was hard to believe that this was happening again. After all of these years, Amethyst had broken and sunk back into this torturous addiction.

            Within a few minutes, they had made it to their destination; a dark, eerie jungle that was practically void of any life. But before Garnet could teleport them back, Amethyst wrenched herself out of Garnet’s arms. As fast as she could, Amethyst took off running. They had seen enough. They had had enough of her. There was no way that they needed her anymore.

            “Amethyst! Wait!” Garnet called after her, instantly pursuing her fellow Crystal Gem. But Amethyst made no move to stop or slow down. She bolted through the thick undergrowth of the jungle, various plants whipping at her skin. Amethyst ignored the tiny bursts of pain, until a thick branch struck her squarely on her injured hip.

            She gasped and screamed in pain, quickly collapsing on the ground. Fresh blood quickly seeped through her clothing, and her breathing was hard from running. Before Garnet could catch up with her, Amethyst swiftly retreated into a small cave, covering her mouth and trying to keep quiet. If she could just keep herself hidden long enough, maybe they would finally give up on her.

            Better yet, maybe she should eliminate herself completely. Wipe herself out of existence so they would never have to put up with her any longer. Yes, that was it. That was the best option. Steven, Garnet, and especially Pearl would be much better off without her. She was nothing more than a bother.

            The pain of losing Rose…everyday was a battle against her own mind. Depression just eating and tearing away until Amethyst’s will was worn thin. All of this hurt was simply not worth it any longer. She didn’t want to be just a worthless mistake anymore.

            Slowly Amethyst summoned her weapon, pulling it carefully from her gem. This was going to be the last time she would ever have to do this to herself. It was finally going to be over. She wasn’t going to have to suffer a day more.

            With a soft cry of anger, Amethyst once again took the tip of one the razor sharp gems on her whip, her entire being consumed by her own self-hatred. Without a moment’s hesitation, she pressed it to her wrist and slid it vertically down to the crook of her elbow. Instantly deep red violet blood spilled from the harsh opening, but Amethyst knew it was nowhere deep enough.

            Shakily she took another breath, and repeated the slow drag of the ridiculously sharp gem. The pain was amazing; unlike anything Amethyst had ever experienced before. It was similar to an unrelenting burn, but she could feel the blade parting through her flesh.

            It was enough.

            Blood ran everywhere. Stained clothes, dirt, and any plant life that was anywhere near Amethyst. With a twitch of her fingers, her whip softly glittered out of existence. She could feel the life pumping out of her body, and she watched as the dark liquid drained from her left forearm.

            It didn’t matter anymore. Everything that Amethyst had ever done was nothing more than just a huge mistake. She should have never shown Steven the Kindergarten. She should have never been made. This thought she had drilled into her mind for her entire existence.

            But it was going to be over soon. At least, that was what Amethyst had hoped.

            “Amethyst. What have you done…?”

            Garnet’s voice shattered the silence, filtering through the fog that had clouded Amethyst’s mind. It was hard to comprehend what was happening. Too much blood had left.

            “Amethyst! You need to retreat into your gem! Please!”

            Breaths became slower, weaker, and further apart. Amethyst didn’t want to go back into her gem. She wanted this. She wanted to be erased, to be free of this world where there was nothing but endless pain. Everything she had ever cared about seemed to always be ripped away.

            Softly Garnet’s arms wrapped around Amethyst, cradling her close. Tears slid down from behind her shades, slipping down and splattering onto Amethyst’s own cheeks.

            “Amethyst…I know how you must feel. Losing Rose was the hardest for you…But you are not a mistake. Rose always told you that.” Garnet whispered softly, her voice shaking with emotion.

            Quickly, anger sprung back into Amethyst’s body. She tensed hard, and she looked up at Garnet, hot, salty tears brimming on her violet eyes.

            “ROSE IS GONE!” She screamed, her cry echoing through the forest. “I’m just a burden…I was made to destroy the Earth…I’m just a mistake. Pearl…she doesn’t see me as anything more than a piece of garbage from a stale Kindergarten.”

            “That is not true. And you know it. We all love you. Can you imagine how heartbroken Steven will be if you die, Amethyst?! You can’t do that to him! You can’t do that to me! Just because Pearl and you clash, doesn’t mean you have to do this. Please…just retreat into your gem…we can fix this.” Gingerly, Garnet took Amethyst’s hand, pleading with her to live.

            Slowly Amethyst stared up at Garnet, and then sighed. The sudden realization that hit Amethyst hurt more than anything else she had ever felt. How could she be so fucking stupid? She couldn’t leave Steven. That would be hurting him just like it had hurt her when Rose had given up her own physical form.

            As much as she wanted to take back what had happened, it was too late. Amethyst was too weak to retreat back into her gem. Black spots clouded her vision, and her eyelids fluttered closed.

            “Garnet…hurry…” She breathed, barely able to speak.

            Instantly Garnet sprang into action. She tore a piece of fabric from Amethyst’s shirt, tying it around Amethyst’s upper left arm to slow the bleeding as much as possible. Scooping her up into her arms, Garnet sprinted as fast as she could back to the teleport pad, teleporting them back to the house as quickly as possible.

            Steven and Pearl were sitting on the couch, both with looks of concern painted on their faces. Pearl instantly cupped her hands over her mouth, shocked at what she was seeing. Steven’s eyes instantly watered, and he shook with fear.

            “Amethyst…?”


	3. Race Against Time

Quickly Garnet sprinted over to the couch, shooing Pearl and Steven away and gently setting Amethyst down. Steven was shaking, tears rapidly spilling down his reddened cheeks. Pearl stared in absolute horror at the amounts of purple blood spilling from the gaping wound in Amethyst's arm. 

"Amethyst! You have to-" 

"She can't, Pearl." 

Garnet looked at Steven, tears spilling down from behind her shades. Gently she gripped Steven's shoulders, the blood on her hands soaking into the red fabric of his tshirt.  

"Steven. You have to heal her. Even if it's just a little bit, she'll be strong enough to retreat back into her gem." 

"Garnet! You're asking too much of him! Please!" 

"Steven. You can do this. At least try. Pearl, go to Rose's fountain and bring back some water. It's not a good idea to move Amethyst now." 

Pearl hesitated, but nodded. Garnet knew what was best. If they lost Amethyst, the Crystal Gems would never be complete ever again. They were already broken enough with the loss of Rose. Quickly she sprinted to the temple door, opening it and disappearing into her room. 

With a strained gasp Amethyst looked over at Steven, weakly reaching out with her injured arm and holding onto Steven. Tears blurred her vision as she looked at his terrified face. She had been so selfish. She had never thought of how her death was going to affect Steven at all. Steven had never even gotten to see Rose. He never was going to meet his mother. 

Weakly she felt her gem pulse, and it's color began to fade to grey. It wouldn't be too much longer, and she would be able to see Rose again. 

"STEVEN! YOU HAVE TO HEAL HER!" 

Steven coughed between his sobs, and he knelt down next to Amethyst. He stuck his fingers in his mouth, spreading the saliva over the gaping slice on Amethyst's left wrist. 

Nothing happened. 

A broken cry shattered from Steven's throat, and he gripped his hair, tugging on it hard. 

"I can't do it Garnet! I can't do it!" He sobbed, his shaking form collapsing down onto the floor. 

Silently Garnet stood still, realizing that there was nothing that they could do for Amethyst. She was going to die. 

A soft, hollow tone echoed through the room, and Amethyst's gem darkened to black. One last breath escaped her lips, and she laid still, a final tear spilling down her pale cheek.  

Steven screamed, grabbing Amethyst's arm, his tears dripping from his chin.  

"AMETHYST! YOU CAN'T LEAVE US! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE! PLEASE COME BACK! PLEASE!" 

His voice cracked, and he began sobbing uncontrollably. He had failed again to use his powers. But this time, it had cost Amethyst her life. Because he wasn't his mother. He couldn't control his power, and he probably never would. 

The sound of the temple door opening cut through the sorrow filling the beachside home. Pearl rushed in, carrying an elaborate porcelain pitcher full of Rose's healing tears. One look at Amethyst, and she knew that it was too late. 

A harsh crash punctured the air as the pitcher hit the floor, shattering and spilling water everywhere. A crushing sob forced it's way from Pearl's mouth, and she fell down to her knees.  

"I should have never said those things to her..." 

Slowly Garnet walked over to Pearl, kneeling next to her and pulling her into a tight embrace.  They had lost another one of the Crystal Gems. Only this time, it was by their own hands. 

As everyone lay crying, the sharp sound of a bell echoed through the room, causing everyone to look up. Soft glimmering shone around the wound on Amethyst's wrist, sealing the cut closed. Her gem pulsed, the bright purple color returning. A slow breath made her chest rise, and she sighed softly. 

With a loud _pop!_ Amethyst was gone, her gem laying on the soft fabric of the couch. Quickly Steven picked it up, his hands shaking. 

"Garnet...is she okay?" 

Garnet gasped and rushed over to Steven, gently touching Amethyst's gem. 

"She's retreated into her gem...but how..?" 

She glanced up at Steven, and slowly swiped away one of his tears. 

"Steven...your tears..." 

Pearl smiled, her tears turning into ones of pure joy. Tightly she hugged Steven, sobbing. 

"Steven! You saved her!"


	4. Regretful Reform

Several weeks passed, The Crystal Gems waiting for their team to be complete again. Amethyst's gem lay on a pillow, and Steven carried her along with him whenever he was in his room. The only exception was when he went to the bathroom. Pearl and Garnet went on missions without Steven or Amethyst, leaving Steven with the warp whistle in case Amethyst was able to regenerate completely when they were away. Even with the help of Steven's healing powers, Amethyst was going to take a long time to recover. 

It was by far the longest Amethyst had even taken to regenerate. Only Pearl had ever taken this long, and even then it was a stretch. After fifty-seven days, Amethyst's gem finally began to glow. It was the middle of the night, and Steven rubbed his eyes sleepily as he heard the hum of Amethyst regenerating. Excitedly he jumped out of his bed, running down the stairs to where Amethyst was now just beginning to reform. 

"Garnet! Pearl! It's Amethyst!" Steven yelled, tears already welling in his eyes from the joy of being able to see Amethyst again. It had been so long. 

Within moments, the other two gems came out of the temple door, running into the living room with anxious expressions. Amethyst's gem was glowing and hovering in the air, soft beams of light flying from it's surface. Slowly it began to lower as Amethyst took form. She touched the ground in front of them, and her form was finally complete. 

Nothing had changed about her. Her appearance was exactly the same other than a faded scar across her wrist. That was what had taken her so long. Hair covered the left side of her face, and she looked around at Garnet, Pearl, and Steven. Every single one of them was crying. Even Pearl, which sort of surprised Amethyst. 

"You guys...I just wanted to say-" 

Amethyst was quickly silenced by Garnet, who pulled her into a tight hug. With no hesitation, Amethyst gripped onto Garnet tightly. Steven followed suit, hugging and holding onto Amethyst as if he would never see her again. 

"I'm sorry." 

She finally whispered, gripping tightly onto Garnet. 

"We know, Amethyst." 

Garnet's soothing voice filled Amethyst's ears, and she couldn't help but feel relief. It had been so long since she had seen any of them. And she couldn't be more happy to be back. But an all too crushing reality came back to slap Amethyst in the face. Quite literally. 

The echo of a harsh blow radiated through the room, and Amethyst felt her cheek sting. She looked up at Pearl, tears gathering in her eyes. 

"How could you be so selfish?!" 

Pearl screamed, her own tears beginning to leave streaks down her face. 

"You put Steven through too much! He can't even sleep at night anymore because of what you did!" 

Slowly Amethyst lowered her head as he anger returned. She should have known better than to reform. 

"It never would have happened it if weren't for you, Pearl." 

With that, the room filled with the most uncomfortable silence imaginable. A soft, pained gasp escaped from Pearl and she turned around, sprinting back into her temple room. 

It was obvious that Amethyst had hurt Pearl, but it was nothing compared to the world of hurt that Pearl had made her feel. All of her insecurity stemmed from the fact that she was a byproduct of the Gem's invasion of Earth. Not to mention that she had taken longer to form, only to be defective. 

Pearl was always the one to remind her of those painful facts. No matter what Amethyst did, she knew that she would never be able to please her. Rose had been the only one that had seen her potential. That she was strong, loyal, and brave beyond all measure. 

Because of this tension between Amethyst and Pearl, it had broken what was left of The Crystal Gems. If this team were to get strong again, it was going to take more than just apologies. 

More time was going to have to be spent healing. Only this time, it would have to be of the mind. 

Amethyst's thoughts were interrupted by a gentle hand on her shoulder. 

"Amethyst. You know full well that this wasn't just Pearl's fault. It was also your own." 

The words Garnet spoke were true, but that didn't make them any easier to swallow. Of course, she was right, as was always the case with Garnet. She could see into the future, therefore she knew what was best for the entire team. 

Slowly Amethyst turned to the temple door, her body shaking with anxiety. It didn't take long for her to regret deeply what she said to Pearl. Pearl hadn't been the one to put the wounds on Amethyst's skin. Amethyst had also chosen not to regenerate, and therefore had almost been lost forever. She owed her existence to all of them. Especially Steven. 

That reminded her. Steven was still there. He was clinging onto her like the child he was, his tears soaking into Amethyst's shirt. Gently Amethyst patted his poofy hair, the sweet boy looking up a her. 

"I'm sorry about all of this Steven. I promise...I'm going to try to fix this." 

Softly Amethyst pressed a kiss to Steven's forehead, her hands running over his back to comfort him. She could only imagine the hell that Steven had been through these past few weeks. He had to watch Amethyst nearly die right in front of him. He was only a kid. And no one, human or gem, should ever have to see another of their kind die right in front of them. Let alone someone that you loved dearly. The little human-gem hybrid had truly become a hero. 

"Steven. We're all so proud of you. Especially me." 

Amethyst's voice broke as emotion overtook her. 

"If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't even be here."


End file.
